First and foremost, today is officially the first visit to the doctor where I received good news. My bloodwork came back normal..no indicators of any cancer cells and now we have a baseline to track further potential incidences from.
As I walked through the corridors of the hospital I was so aware of the people around me. I had always noticed the people there. I worked there for ten years, interacting with physicians, staff, and patients. Today was different...today, I saw the people as I passed them. I saw the wheelchairs, the confused looks, the worried expressions and my eyes were drawn to them in a way I have yet to experience. I wondered what their story was as my path briefly crossd theirs. I wondered how many of them were fighting the same emotions that plagued me whenever I walked through the entrance doors. I thought of their children, their parents, their companions and hoped that they had love to lift their burdens as I do. My heart ached for those who were obviously struggling in a way that it never had before...For years, I worked with victims of trauma in the ER. I saw the worst of humanity and I also saw the best. I became somewhat immune to the tragedies that people experience. From a professional standpoint-that had kept me safe..and allowed me to maintain a sense of hope amidst the chaos we create when we chose to not care. Today was different and I was grateful.
I woke up early this morning with the sense of dread that has come to accompany me to my appointments. I had been struggling to understand why things had felt so hard the past week since my last visit. As I talked to my Heavenly Father I realized what had been absent from my heart and prayed with all my heart to have it restored. Many years ago, I had sacred experiences with Elder Jeffrey Holland that aided me in my efforts to keep my family and children close as my marriage dissolved. During those years of visiting with him, he instilled in me an inpenetrable sense of hope. Over the years, it has been that hope that has kept the light burning with the world turned dark for either myself or a child. It was the beacon that allowed me to face my challenges with grace (after the meltdowns) and faith. It is the driving force behind the passion I feel for the work that I do professionally. It has always been the lullaby that lulled me to sleep during lonely, frightening times. It is the sunshine during the winter months when depression pounds at my door. Last week, when I was given the news about my cancer...I came home empty. The wind and the snow blowing outside had managed to find its way into my heart and I became afraid. As I prayed this morning I realized that I had allowed my hope to attach itself to the negativity of the physicians words. With that realization, my prayer took a different meaning as I explained to the Lord how vital it was to every aspect of my life to regain my sense of hope. Truly, I pleaded with all my heart to have my gift restored. I cannot survive without it. Without hope, I go the darkest places in my heart that tell me that I am not good enough, that nothing will ever work, that who I am is not enough. The very places I try to teach my clients to heal from and attach a new meaning to.
As I write this, I do so with hope in my heart...not because the physician gave it back to me, not because for now I am cancer free but because a loving Father in Heaven heard the pleadings of his daughter and blessed her with His peace.
My check-in today is this...physically, I am strong, emotionally, I am hopeful and I am loved, spiritually, I know God lives. My committment is to share my hope with anyone whose life I am blessed to interact with..those I know, those whose pain I know of, those with whom I work and serve, and most importantly with you who are following my blog and love and support me. My affirmation is..
"I am a woman of hope."
Your words "I am here" as you read my posts reassure me and remind me that although I travel this road without a companion...I am never alone. Love and gratitude always...Cyndi