Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.~Unknown

Monday, January 3, 2011


First and foremost, today is officially the first visit to the doctor where I received good news. My bloodwork came back indicators of any cancer cells and now we have a baseline to track further potential incidences from.

As I walked through the corridors of the hospital I was so aware of the people around me. I had always noticed the people there. I worked there for ten years, interacting with physicians, staff, and patients. Today was, I saw the people as I passed them. I saw the wheelchairs, the confused looks, the worried expressions and my eyes were drawn to them in a way I have yet to experience. I wondered what their story was as my path briefly crossd theirs. I wondered how many of them were fighting the same emotions that plagued me whenever I walked through the entrance doors. I thought of their children, their parents, their companions and hoped that they had love to lift their burdens as I do. My heart ached for those who were obviously struggling in a way that it never had before...For years, I worked with victims of trauma in the ER. I saw the worst of humanity and I also saw the best. I became somewhat immune to the tragedies that people experience. From a professional standpoint-that had kept me safe..and allowed me to maintain a sense of hope amidst the chaos we create when we chose to not care. Today was different and I was grateful.

I woke up early this morning with the sense of dread that has come to accompany me to my appointments. I had been struggling to understand why things had felt so hard the past week since my last visit. As I talked to my Heavenly Father I realized what had been absent from my heart and prayed with all my heart to have it restored. Many years ago, I had sacred experiences with Elder Jeffrey Holland that aided me in my efforts to keep my family and children close as my marriage dissolved. During those years of visiting with him, he instilled in me an inpenetrable sense of hope. Over the years, it has been that hope that has kept the light burning with the world turned dark for either myself or a child. It was the beacon that allowed me to face my challenges with grace (after the meltdowns) and faith. It is the driving force behind the passion I feel for the work that I do professionally. It has always been the lullaby that lulled me to sleep during lonely, frightening times. It is the sunshine during the winter months when depression pounds at my door. Last week, when I was given the news about my cancer...I came home empty. The wind and the snow blowing outside had managed to find its way into my heart and I became afraid. As I prayed this morning I realized that I had allowed my hope to attach itself to the negativity of the physicians words. With that realization, my prayer took a different meaning as I explained to the Lord how vital it was to every aspect of my life to regain my sense of hope. Truly, I pleaded with all my heart to have my gift restored. I cannot survive without it. Without hope, I go the darkest places in my heart that tell me that I am not good enough, that nothing will ever work, that who I am is not enough. The very places I try to teach my clients to heal from and attach a new meaning to.

As I write this, I do so with hope in my heart...not because the physician gave it back to me, not because for now I am cancer free but because a loving Father in Heaven heard the pleadings of his daughter and blessed her with His peace.

My check-in today is this...physically, I am strong, emotionally, I am hopeful and I am loved, spiritually, I know God lives. My committment is to share my hope with anyone whose life I am blessed to interact with..those I know, those whose pain I know of, those with whom I work and serve, and most importantly with you who are following my blog and love and support me. My affirmation is..

"I am a woman of hope."
Your words "I am here" as you read my posts reassure me and remind me that although I travel this road without a companion...I am never alone. Love and gratitude always...Cyndi


  1. so glad to hear this good update :)

  2. Cyndi My mom and I love you so much and are praying for you everyday. You are an inspiration and a wonderful example to many. Susie and Katie Spainhower :) XO

  3. I am here. I used my daughter's google account.
    Ronda :)

  4. Cyndi,
    I don't know if you remember me, but I am Bruce and Janice Munns' daughter Julia. I have moved back into the 8th ward and they have been keeping us updated on your progress. They gave us your blog website today and it was so great to see all of you guys again:) You have a wonderful spirit and just know that you are in our prayers along with all of the 8th ward.

  5. Hi Cynthia,
    I am Kathy Clifford's sister and was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago. I have been where you are now and would love to chat with you anytime about what you are going through and what lies ahead. I know because I have been there. You are fortunate to have so many people that care about you. My breast cancer was staged at an extremely high 3 and was in 13 of 29 lymphnodes so I had a mastectomy and my entire lymph node panal was removed. I did an entire year of treatments but I am thrilled to say that I am 5 1/2 years out and healthy and well. You will find that there is life after breast cancer and I would love to help you through this if you need me. Please contact me if you need someone to talk to. I look forward to meeting you. Karen Hoffman

  6. I am still here, my prayers are with you. Juanita