Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Now that the threat of cancer has subsided, I struggle with the physical changes my body has undergone. I wrestle with what I see in the mirror each morning and feel a longing to look like and feel like "me" again. Me before cancer altered my plans. Part of me is resisting the hill I must climb to find the peace I once felt. I have yet to experience a plan in my life that did not include a mountain promising undesired alterations. My body is tired and my heart aches. Ultimately though, I know that the path is leading me to my own personal 'beautiful heartache.' So, I rest when I need to, cry when the tears conquer my smile and know without a doubt that I will have what I need to accomplish the journey. The words of this song describe the perspective I hold about my experiences of the last year and the months leading up to my diagnosis of cancer. It is the belief through which I am able to hang on to hope when the storms of life threaten to snatch it from my grasp. It is the hope that I share with each of you my friends. Not one of us moves through the stages of life without a plan that represents what we believe about ourselves or what we feel we have earned by the choices we have made. Within the wrappings of those plans, we place our hopes and our dreams; safe from harm and close to our hearts. I have learned that those wrappings are fragile. Trials, disappointments and heartache seem to tear through them leaving our hopes and dreams vulnerable to the elements of life that fall outside the realm of our control. I believe that it is through the alterations to our plans that a loving God leads us to the places in our hearts where our greatest wounds hide. From there, healing leads us to the plans He has for us. And that is where I know our greatest blessings lie.