It's midnight and sleep is still eluding me. Today I have felt tired and overwhelmed emotionally. In all reality, I know that I am nervous. I feel like I only have a few more days where everything that makes me "me" will be determining the direction of my life. I have never been one who can relax amidst the sea of unknowns. Right now...I am swimming in it. Some days, the seas are calm and I can take in the experiences of the moment with ease. Other days, the waves distract me and leave me with a sense of uncertainty and fear. Most days, I experience both...and once in a while, I forget that I am out to sea at all.
Spent time with Katie and Amy tonight and listened as they talked about fund raisers and all the wonderful people who have joined me in this journey with generosity and love. As I listened, I could not help but feel a little overwhelmed by all the effort and time that will be expended on my behalf. It is hard to realize that I am so in need of the love and support of others. Being on the receiving end has never been easy for me and I have passed that on to my children. I've always had the sense that it wasn't good because it robs others of the opportunity to share their love with us. And, it is rooted in a fierce need for the independence that tells the world that we are capable, strong, and good enough to face the challenge. So, when I say that I am humbled by the acts of service..it is the truth.
I am especially grateful for my children and for Linda and Amy, my oldest and youngest sister. They have flooded me with kindness and genuine caring and love. Nightly text messages from Amy telling me "Goodnight Miss Cyndi" bounce smiles all the way through me. Daily check-ins and encouragement from Linda reinforce her love for me. As I have thought so much of the two of them, I realize that they have always loved me unconditionally and done so without any expectation of anything in return. How grateful I am for that tonight. To each one of you, I am grateful for your daily thoughts and prayers and your willingness to share that with me.
When I was recovering from a devastating adolescent blunder, my father gave me a necklace with the words "I am loved" on the pendant because he wanted me to always remember how loved I was. I wore that necklace int0 my adult life and never took it off. When I would forget the intended message, I would hold it in my hand until that sense of being loved returned. Sadly, after the birth of one of my children, the necklace was misplace and never found. For Christmas this year, my children gave me a necklace with a pendant engraved with one word; Mom. When I reach up and touch it, I hear those words "I am loved" and I feel comforted.
My check-in tonight is..physically, I am sore, emotionally, I feel nervous and subdued, spiritually, I feel grateful and humbled. My commitment is to express gratitude and my affirmation is..
"I am loved."
Love and gratitude always...Cyndi