I think the truth of what I am facing is settling into the reality that I have been trying to keep at bay. The next year is going to be a year full of changes in every aspect of my life and I am struggling to accept that a majority of the things that I have worked for and hoped for will soon be put on hold. This isn't one of those illnesses that disrupt routines for a few days or weeks. I am looking at a year or more before I return to being "me" as I have experienced life to this point.
I have realized that my clothes (which mostly I love!) don't fit me right anymore and that wearing the prosthesis hurts and makes me ache all night. I look in the mirror and see how disportionate my body looks and it makes me feel self concious and unsure of myself. My closet is full of things I love to wear but are too form fitting to feel comfortable in. Soon, my hair will be gone and I will put my hair on a stand each night before I go to sleep and feel the baldness of my head as I lay down to sleep. My stamina is down so I feel like everything I do, I am moving in slow motion. Nothing about me feels normal anymore and I am struggling with the fact that I will lose that sense of what 'normal' means to me in the months to come as the chemo weakens my body. The establishment of my practice has been long and arduous. I love my work and am inspired by the courage and commitment of my clients. After a few false starts, I am finally seeing the results of the long years in getting there. I fear that I won't be able to sustain it and will lose the ground I have gained. After seven years of being single, I have longed to find an eternal companion and am realizing how much easier this would be to bear with the love of a companion. Most importantly, my grandchildren will be a year older and I don't know how many 'gramma sleepovers' we will be able to have and that makes me sad. I ache for the opportunities and experiences that I may not experience to the fullest. I am heart broken at the thought that as my dad's health continues to decline that I will miss what could easily be the last year of his life. I have fought for so much for so very long, I worry that there isn't enough fight left in me to hold onto and maintain the hope and faith that sustains me. And I fear the nagging depression that nips at my heels throughout the winter months.
I am clinging to knowledge that I have that the Lord keeps His promises and that He can make up for the losses we occur in this life. I have experienced that and know it with all my heart. I don't understand His timing for this at this particular time in my life when I am finally starting to see the fruits of my labors and when the snow is falling but I will trust. And when I can't and my faith feels weak-I will lean on the strength and power of each of yours on my behalf. I am grateful for each of you. Though I may never actually see many of you, I can honestly express love for you as I do love each of you, my friends and family.
Love and gratitude always...Cyndi