Last night I found myself with alot of anxiety as I thought about my Mom starting chemo. I cried alot throughout the day (i know, I'm a wuss). "It's not fair, she has been through enough already," I thought. I left her a voicemail and couldn't help but to get choked up a bit. I told her I loved her and though I couldn't be there, she could find me in her heart. She called me back, and I could not believe how amazing she sounded. There has been a theme throughout her life--the tougher things get for her, the more resiliant and positive she becomes. Last night was no different. I don't want to be all sappy, but when I talked to her and heard the enthusiasm in her voice I was inspired and put into a state of awe. I could feel a special spirit comfort me when I talked to her. She told me that she was feeling an incredible spiritual high, and could literally feel the Spirit wrapping It's arms around her. I could feel it too. I hung up feeling encouraged.
But, I'm a worry wart so I did not sleep. My insomnia was not due to anxiety or worry, but rather the power I felt in my Mother's voice. I still can't believe how incredibly strong she sounded. Man, I wish I had her strength. This morning I took the bus to work and I remembered a story from the New Testament that my Grandpa had shared with me earlier yesterday when he drove me to work. Forgive me for my inconsistencies but this is how I recall the story. Two men built their homes, one upon a foundation of sand and one upon stone. When the rain came, the man that had built upon the sand found his home sinking and was left without shelter, while the man that built his house upon the stone found no damage to his property. What my Grandpa told me he got from the story was that it rained on them both (as it does all of us in life), but those who have a strong foundation will be better prepared and make it through the storm better. Personally, I wish the story would have included the man with the standing home upon the stone offering shelter to the man who foolishly built his home upon the sand. Because almost my entire life, I have built my house upon the sand--and like so many others, my mother has offered me shelter from the storm. And she has taught me how to rebuild my home upon a solid foundation.
My mother and I have had a turbulent relationship up until recently ever since I left home when I was 16 years old. Last night, my Grandma told me that my Mom told her something she hadn't told her in a very long time--my Mom said that she was proud of me. Wow, I have wanted to be worthy of that for so long. Don't know if I am yet, but I feel so happy that my Mom is proud of me. I just wish I had the words to express how proud of her I am. She is an inspiration to me. She is a hero to me. She is everything I think that God would want a person to be. Her faith is stronger than gravity. I never thought I would be this close to her. I am so grateful to be a part of her life. My wife Nicole has said that she feels she connects better with my Mom than with her own Mother. My son wouldn't let her leave the other day when she had come for a short visit. He squeezed her neck and acted as if he wanted to go with her. I've never seen him act that way with anyone other than myself and his mother. And we have only lived in Utah for a little over six months. My Mom's love is so powerful it can penetrate all doubt, anxiety, and evil. I hope one day I can have a foundation as strong as her's.
I am proud of my Mom today, so proud. I have been able to fight the worry and anxiety by remembering her voice on the phone last night. It is a voice that is part of my soul. I can hear it loud as day whenever I want. It is a voice that has led me home when I have gone astray. When I was in jail, I used to hear it as I went to sleep to help me calm down. That voice will never leave me.
I would like to thank my sisters, aunts, grandparents, friends, and all others who have come to my Mom's support. You are all incredible people with huge hearts.
Mom, I am not going to be sad today. I am going to rejoice like you want me to, for this is a good day. And though I can't be with you, if you need me--I'll be in your heart, right by your side--cheering you on. You are my hero and me, Nicole, and Hunter love you with all our hearts!