Today was mine and Angie's birthday and it was a good day. Not because we did anything spectacular but because it was just that.. a good day spent with family and full of well wishes from friends. Tonight, I am sitting watching mindless shows with Amy and feeling totally content.
As I have been flooded with birthday greetings from friends both old and new, I am reminded of a conversation I had with Angie's husband Steve in which the question was asked of me-"so how has cancer changed your life?" I have to be honest and say that even though I know that is the million dollar question, it caught me off guard. I knew the answer but the words did not come easy for me. The truth about the impact of cancer on my life is simple. From almost the moment the words left my physician's mouth and floated through that abyss known as denial-I knew. I did not get cancer to die, I got cancer to live and to believe in love that I had not yet allowed myself to believe I was worthy of. Until those words resonated through me, I was unaware of how much I had stopped living. Those closest to me knew it and agonized over it but felt hopeless in finding a solution. I had cocooned myself within the safety of the passion I feet for my work and thrived on it. I had become oblivious to the 'me' I became at the end of the day. Disappointment and disillusionment had hit me hard in the months prior to my diagnosis and without even knowing it, something inside of me had been laid to rest. My hopes for myself, for love, for success had finally given way to the difficulty of the roads I had been traveling and I was sleep walking in a personal state of numbness. Cancer woke me up with a jolt. Never have I had the sense that this was not a blessing...what I infamously call a hard blessing but nonetheless, a blessing. Through the overwhelming show of love and support, I am coming to a sense of the value and worth of the things I have dedicated my heart to...family, friends, clients, and even strangers. I think it is human nature to judge our worth by the outcome of our endeavors. My endeavors have not always had the desired outcome...YET. Subtly and without an obvious awareness, I think I had begun to assign my worth to some unexpected, negative,and oft-time unwarranted outcomes. Through the outpouring of love to not only myself but to my children, I am seeing the more divine outcomes that life had forced behind the darkness of despair. Cancer has restored life to my heart and is providing me with the kindest of refresher courses on the things that matter most in life. One of my favorite sayings goes as follows.."A friend is one who knows the song of your heart and sings it to you when you have forgotten the words." I had forgotten the words to my song. I was well versed in the lyrics of the songs of those around me but had forgotten my own. Cancer is my friend and through the love and support of friends and strangers, sings my song to me throughout the day and long into the night.
As I laid with my little grand-daughter Brylee that same night, her daddy walked by and smiled the most tenderest of smiles as he walked past her room. I whispered to her.."I think your daddy loves you soooo much." In a way that only Brylee could say, she responded. " I have two daddies!" Somewhat surprised I questioned her as to who her two daddies were. " Without hesitation she said " my daddy and Heavenly Father." She completed her sentence by saying that her Gramma Ann had told her that. Pretty profound for a 3 year old to pronounce with such complete faith. And so true-for each of us. One to walk with us during this physical life as we face the joys, sadness, laughter, and disappointments of life. The other to walk with us physically and spiritually, never leaving us alone and certainly never without the tools we need to reach Him on the other side after our journey here on earth is completed.
Each night my grandson Jaxon prays for me. His words are as simple and sincere as the pure kindness that defines his little heart. "Heavenly Father, please bless that people won't make fun of my grandma because she doesn't have any hair." I sense that sometimes the little ones in my life are confused by the changes I am going through but their little spirits are kind and concerned and they wrap their arms around me with an exuberance that dispells any ill affects that cancer casts upon me. I am blessed and I am loved. Cancer may well be the greatest evidence of love that I experience in this life. And with that said, I believe that it will be the catalyst that every prayer and desire of my heart will be fulfilled.
Today was a good day and I love the blessings of this day. A wonderful daughter to join the ranks of angels that I call my girls..some I gave birth to, some I inherited and others who simply inherited me. Happy Birthday Angie Rooney!
My check-in is this..physically, my mouth is sore and my stomach rolls, emotionally, I am content and calm, spiritually, I am filled with faith. My committment is to daily rehearse the words to 'my' song, and my affirmation is
I am alive with love and hope.
Gratitude and love always...Cyndi
Just a few highlights of my "simply a good day!"
Reunion with very dear, very lifetime friend Bishop Erik Cooley!
My favorite thing..watching my children love each other's children
Bouquet of love from Katy and Susy Spainhower..special friends
My "mother dear who loves me so..."