Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.~Unknown

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Week at a Glance..

I've had a cold all week which has robbed me of one of my 'good weeks.' It is amazing how I have come to value a 'good day.' They have not been as plentiful following this last treatment but I am grateful for the things I have been able to enjoy. Most days it has taken all my energy just to work a few hours. After that, I am spent. What I am most grateful for right now is the time I have with family. Naps with Brylie, cuddles, hanging out, and visits from my little guys known to others as Jaxon, Emory, Bowen, Avory, Alex, Ty, Brylie, and Sophia!
Angie and Steve surprised me with a late birthday present...the infamous, much debated about 'should I get a tv for my bedroom' gift. I haven't slept in my bedroom since I was diagnosed with cancer. Something about the quiet, no distraction from my thoughts, lonely kind of place that it became after I was diagnosed. So, with instructions from Angie that "now you can sleep in your bed," I have a new television. They spent a couple of nights with me and I loved every minute of it. Angie and I crocheted, Angie cleaned, Brylie and I watched "shows", and Steve, bless his heart, spent 5 solid hours trying to link all my electronics with a universal remote control. It was a great couple of nights and when they left, my spirits were lifted and I felt emotionally stronger and ready to face the week.

Brylie is like my kindred spirit. Words could not begin to describe the special bond I have with her. Probably because she loves me so much as well. She picked up a braclet that had words on it and informed me..."this bracelet says I love my gramma Cyndi and she is not going to let cancer make her die." I'm not sure if she knew what she was saying but I did...and she is right, I am not going to let this cancer make me die. I adore her.

Mandi and her little gang came over and we made sugar cookies. We went through 5 bottles of sprinkles and came away with a dozen, very large cookies. Titus had more fun playing with the rolling pin than actually using it! The afternoon came to a close with Alex and Avory trying on and modeling all of my hats. Ty had to get in on the fun as well!

Truly, it has become the simple things in life that keep my heart smiling and most of those smiles come from my grandchildren. With them, I can be as much or as little as I have the strength or stamina to be and they love me just the same. Sometimes, at the end of it all...that is what I need the most. How grateful I am for each of them and the unique way that they have individually and collectively cemented their places in my heart. Life changes without warning but this is the one constant that I have in my family.

One of the favorite things I have always done with Jaxon, Emory, and Bowen is what we call "McDonald Shop." When their favorite toys arrive at McDonalds, we go from one McDonald to the next until we find them all. Gramma's can do that you know! While we didn't actually go 'shop' we did go to McDonalds and spend a little time together.

This is Emory's 'cancer hat'. Isn't she darling?

I don't think I was prepared for the loss of energy and stamina that accompanied my last chemo treatment. The past two weeks, I have left work wondering if I could make it home I felt so tired. I am grateful for a profession that allows me to be flexible and set my own hours so that I can continue to work and be mindful of my limitations. Nonetheless, I can't at times help but miss the old me. The one who could do just about anything she set her mind to. When there is no energy left for the things I used to enjoy doing, I have to remind myself that what I am doing right now, right this minute, is all that I can do and that for is enough. I hope that I will remember that as my health returns. So often, we become bogged down by all the things we or others think we should do and feel that our efforts are not enough unless we are doing more, and more, and more. The reality is that sometimes, our best is just to simply show up. And if that is all we can do that day, we have done enough. We need to all give ourselves permission to be okay with that, knowing that each day will bring new energy, new determination, and new commitment to do better. This experience has taught me that life is about change; some changes come in big packages, others smaller and less conspicuous. No matter how it is packaged, if we cannot give ourselves permission to adapt to our daily personal bests, we lose precious opportunities to know ourselves better and hence, make meaningful changes. I am grateful to be learning that.
Tonight I feel grateful. Grateful for the fun friends who weekly come to keep me company. I love that I have friends who love to come sleep on the other couch while I sleep in the recliner just to be there while I am sick. To Doreen and fun are we!! Grateful for text messages wishing me well. Grateful for meals cooked by loving hands for Amy and I to enjoy. Grateful for friends who stay and eat with me. Grateful for family members who call me daily and pray for me constantly. Grateful for adoring children and darling grandchildren. Grateful for little gifts of love left on my porch. Grateful for kind strangers. Grateful for distant friends who have bridged the gap of time and renewed friendship. Grateful for new friends who have previously traveled this path and daily remind me that I will survive. Grateful for friends who know my heart and trust my intent. Grateful for the sacrifices of others. Grateful for friends who are willing to cry with me, laugh with me, and face the pain of this experience with me and my children. Grateful for the friends of my daughters who support them and love them. Most of all.. grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who never leaves me comfortless.

Love and gratitude always...Cyndi

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