Last night was our family Christmas party..an event my parents plan and work towards for months prior. We took family pictures and then filled our individual cameras with candid shots of the joy being shared. I have beautiful children and grandchildren with more personality than one family can handle. And I cried most of the party. As I took pictures with my family I couldn't push away those taunting voices questioning if this might be my last Christmas. Logic fought back but the other element contributing to my emotions is that I was sick.
I am sick..I have the flu, I have a sinus infection with throbbing headaches, and I have ulcers on my throat. And in three days...I am having major surgery. It's hard to feel negative right now...pictures paint a collage of wonderful children and darling grandchildren. Hugs and tears shed on my behalf fill my heart with reminders of love and support. Priesthood blessings promise me peace, hope, and healing. And yet...today, I am angry.
I am angry because I wanted to spend the days before my surgery and chemo doing the things I love with the people I love. I wanted to take care of things that will make things easier while I am sick. I wanted to play with my grandchildren...take them to McDonalds and listen to their imaginations running wild. I wanted to shop with my daughters and wrap presents. I wanted my money to go there instead of doctors fees and prescriptions. I wanted to sing Christmas carols in church today with all the love for the Savior that fills my heart. I wanted to be laughing and sharing Christmas joy with others. I wanted to go to Katie's house and have dinner with her family and Mitch and Amy. I wanted to be and feel like Cyndi to the fullest...I mean seriously, it's Christmas...
It's not about the cancer right now...I am somewhat numb or in the grief stage of denial right now. It's the right here and now...this very moment in time..the time I wanted to experience to the fullest everything and everyone I love..
I am committed to be postive throughout the experience of the upcoming year. I want to grow emotionally and spiritually and take this experience head on. I want to surface a more loving, compassionate, committed woman. And I want to serve others who experience the painful experiences life has acquainted me with.
But for right now..seriously?
the pead family in st george is praying for you and your family during this trying time.
ReplyDeletelove, julie and kason pead
(friends of steve and angie)
Meh. We can shop anytime. And I'm pretty sure we'll find plenty of experiences to do just that. NOTHING gets in the way of us girls shopping...not even cancer. Sorry, mom. I love you. There is a reason for all this. I am holding out hope that we will figure it out real fast.
ReplyDeleteAfter I had this last c-section i was in the grocery store...and everyone just was going on with their lives...it was so bazaar. it was like, nobody knew i had JUST had a baby cut out of my belly...everyone just walked on by...it was just a lonely feeling. no one knew what i was going through. I told my mom about it. she said she felt the same way when her mom (my grandma) had breast cancer. going in public was so weird...just to see life continuing for everyone when her life felt like it was crashing around her.
ReplyDeleteI guess I want you and your family to know, that we aren't just going on with life like normal. i think about you and your family all day everyday. and last night as we were helping addie say her prayers we made sure and asked to "bless Brylee's grandma to feel better and be brave."
xoxo
The Dowdle's