Last night was our family Christmas party..an event my parents plan and work towards for months prior. We took family pictures and then filled our individual cameras with candid shots of the joy being shared. I have beautiful children and grandchildren with more personality than one family can handle. And I cried most of the party. As I took pictures with my family I couldn't push away those taunting voices questioning if this might be my last Christmas. Logic fought back but the other element contributing to my emotions is that I was sick.
I am sick..I have the flu, I have a sinus infection with throbbing headaches, and I have ulcers on my throat. And in three days...I am having major surgery. It's hard to feel negative right now...pictures paint a collage of wonderful children and darling grandchildren. Hugs and tears shed on my behalf fill my heart with reminders of love and support. Priesthood blessings promise me peace, hope, and healing. And yet...today, I am angry.
I am angry because I wanted to spend the days before my surgery and chemo doing the things I love with the people I love. I wanted to take care of things that will make things easier while I am sick. I wanted to play with my grandchildren...take them to McDonalds and listen to their imaginations running wild. I wanted to shop with my daughters and wrap presents. I wanted my money to go there instead of doctors fees and prescriptions. I wanted to sing Christmas carols in church today with all the love for the Savior that fills my heart. I wanted to be laughing and sharing Christmas joy with others. I wanted to go to Katie's house and have dinner with her family and Mitch and Amy. I wanted to be and feel like Cyndi to the fullest...I mean seriously, it's Christmas...
It's not about the cancer right now...I am somewhat numb or in the grief stage of denial right now. It's the right here and now...this very moment in time..the time I wanted to experience to the fullest everything and everyone I love..
I am committed to be postive throughout the experience of the upcoming year. I want to grow emotionally and spiritually and take this experience head on. I want to surface a more loving, compassionate, committed woman. And I want to serve others who experience the painful experiences life has acquainted me with.
But for right now..seriously?