Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.~Unknown







Monday, December 27, 2010

Check-in

In the recovery group that I lead for women, we do a check-in at the beginning of group. Through the process of checking in we address certain issues relating to their recovery and personal growth. Included in the check-in are reports of emotional, physical, spiritual wellbeing, dailies (scripture reading, prayer, and exercise), self-care (chocolate, bubble baths, meditation, etc.) and affirmations and committments. The purpose is to create personal awareness but most importantly, to develop the habit of being in the moment..whatever the moment is. Check-ins are about the here and now...not the "what if's," or the "shoulds" and certainly not the "why's or why nots."


Today and in days to come...I would like to check in on the blog.


I received an email today from a friend that I serve with at the Wasatch detention center. I had awoken this morning with a heavy sense of reality and my emotions surfaced. Her words so eloquently expressed the emotional dilemma I faced this morning..."I think in times like this it's almost necessary to feel a rollercoaster of emotions. You're bound to feel a tremendous sense of gratitude for your life, your family and friends, good doctors, and the simple fact that you are breathing. But then you also can't help but feel heartbroken about your illness, and scared of the future and even angry for the unfainess of it all."

Her words reminded me of my committment to be real, to be genuine and honest in my feelings throughout the journey. So today, I share my feelings as I felt them this morning..with the awareness that good prevails over evil, hope replaces despair, faith trumps fear, and God lives...

I have struggled the last few days looking at pictures of myself...taunted by the image that faces me in the mirror. My body looks distorted and disfigured. Instead of a womanly figure, I see bruises, and bumps, and the promise of scars. It feels ugly and yet I know that this image now represents the promise of life free from cancer and a healthier future. Those who know me well know that being creative and spontaneous with my hair styles, color and cuts is my favorite thing. I love my hair..I have wonderful people who are talented enough to express my creativity through their talents and skills and I get the credit! Losing my hair is really a part of losing the expression of an important part of the "me" that make me who I am. I feel sad and vulnerable.

Already the day has brightened because I have family who love and support me, children who adore me, grandchildren who embrace me, a Father in Heaven who is aware of me, friends who know my heart, and strangers who daily pray and support me. I am blessed..

For those who follow my blog..please let me know when you are here..just so that I can know that by reading the words on this page, you know how loved you are and how grateful and humbled I am by your support. Just say "I am here.." and your name. I would appreciate that as I feel very inadequate in my ability to express my heartfelt love and gratitude to each of you personally. Wishing you a brighter day...Cyndi

24 comments:

  1. I am here :) reading, praying & sending lots of love! I owe you a lot for teaching me "not to smack"...salt on apples...roll your wonderbread tight in a ball and eat it(it was in the bottom drawer in your kitchen)..ice is good...and I also remember the round little stitched sign on the end of your cupboards that said "If momma ain't happy aint no body happy"! and isn't that the truth :) keep hangin in there! xo

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  2. oh ya...and who could forget Amy Grant "God is watching us" playing in your family room :)

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  3. "I am here" Love Juanita Wright (8th ward in case you've forgotten)

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  4. i am here cyndi <3 christy cowley larkin

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  5. "Scars remind us where we've been, not where we are going."
    From the show Criminal Minds.

    Love you so much! So does McKay!

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  6. I am here.

    "feed your faith and your fears with starve"


    Tyson Price (Travis's cousin.. twice removed.. or something along those lines..)

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  7. I am here. I love you and love Chelsea's post because those are so many memories I have too! Also the picture of an enormously overweight women that you put on your fridge (I've considered putting one on mine too!) :) So many thoughts and prayers for you!!! xox

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  8. I am here, Julie Pead. And checking up often because you sound like such a neat lady :) I love how you have been putting yourself (and your thoughts) out there on this amazing blog.

    You don't know me but just know that I am one of those "strangers" praying for you and your sweet family.

    I have said on a previous comment that I do know Angie and Steve so I am not a complete stranger ;)

    Keep on keeping on, Cyndi!

    Sounds like tons of people are rooting (and praying!) for you.

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  9. I'm here Cyndi! :) Love you.. Katie Spainhower

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  10. I'm Alway Here and I Love You,

    The "Original" Amy

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  11. We are here (well mostly me- Jar isn't much of a blog-reader/stalker but I share what I read with him). We are praying for you and for your kids, grandkids and family! We love you!!

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  12. I am here. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. You are loved. Alisha Burnett Crowson

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  13. I'm here too, Mom. Just down the street and constantly thinking of you. I love you.

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  14. I am here - so here for you. You have been in my thoughts and prayers. From reading your blog it is obvious that you are loved by so many. Hang in there dear Cyndi. Let me know how I can help.

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  15. I am here Cyndi. Love you and sending angels to watch over you :) You are so strong and courageous. I look up to you in so many ways. I have been following your blog and it has brought me to tears so many times. I admire your strength and faith. YOu are also a beautiful writer! We miss you and love you. Stay Strong

    Trav and Jamie

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  16. I am here. Michele Law. Knowing you has given me so much hope because you are a woman of great hope and faith. I will continue praying for you and that your pain will be minimal. So glad you have made it this far and have such a great family!!!

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  17. Thanks for your honesty. Realness is one of your gifts. Rob

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  18. I am HERE MA! So is Nicole and Hunter. We love you so much!

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  19. I am here Cyndi. Words cannot explain how dear you are to me. You have impacted my life and encouraged me to be strong and a better person. I am Faith, Hope,and Love. I know you are the same. Thank you for being an instrument in God's hands. Kami Ross

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  20. I remember Apples with salt. Yum. Love you mom.

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  21. I am here. Stephanie Larsen Johnson.
    I am one of Katie's friends from high school. Hope you don't mind me following along. We have gone through 3 different forms of what you are going through now in our extended family. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

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  22. Cyndi, I am here. I love you, you wonderful woman! Thank you for not being afraid to be who you are and for helping me to do the same. Keri Stewart

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  23. I am here Cyndi.
    Love, Melissa Andrus

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