In the recovery group that I lead for women, we do a check-in at the beginning of group. Through the process of checking in we address certain issues relating to their recovery and personal growth. Included in the check-in are reports of emotional, physical, spiritual wellbeing, dailies (scripture reading, prayer, and exercise), self-care (chocolate, bubble baths, meditation, etc.) and affirmations and committments. The purpose is to create personal awareness but most importantly, to develop the habit of being in the moment..whatever the moment is. Check-ins are about the here and now...not the "what if's," or the "shoulds" and certainly not the "why's or why nots."
Today and in days to come...I would like to check in on the blog.
I received an email today from a friend that I serve with at the Wasatch detention center. I had awoken this morning with a heavy sense of reality and my emotions surfaced. Her words so eloquently expressed the emotional dilemma I faced this morning..."I think in times like this it's almost necessary to feel a rollercoaster of emotions. You're bound to feel a tremendous sense of gratitude for your life, your family and friends, good doctors, and the simple fact that you are breathing. But then you also can't help but feel heartbroken about your illness, and scared of the future and even angry for the unfainess of it all."
Her words reminded me of my committment to be real, to be genuine and honest in my feelings throughout the journey. So today, I share my feelings as I felt them this morning..with the awareness that good prevails over evil, hope replaces despair, faith trumps fear, and God lives...
I have struggled the last few days looking at pictures of myself...taunted by the image that faces me in the mirror. My body looks distorted and disfigured. Instead of a womanly figure, I see bruises, and bumps, and the promise of scars. It feels ugly and yet I know that this image now represents the promise of life free from cancer and a healthier future. Those who know me well know that being creative and spontaneous with my hair styles, color and cuts is my favorite thing. I love my hair..I have wonderful people who are talented enough to express my creativity through their talents and skills and I get the credit! Losing my hair is really a part of losing the expression of an important part of the "me" that make me who I am. I feel sad and vulnerable.
Already the day has brightened because I have family who love and support me, children who adore me, grandchildren who embrace me, a Father in Heaven who is aware of me, friends who know my heart, and strangers who daily pray and support me. I am blessed..
For those who follow my blog..please let me know when you are here..just so that I can know that by reading the words on this page, you know how loved you are and how grateful and humbled I am by your support. Just say "I am here.." and your name. I would appreciate that as I feel very inadequate in my ability to express my heartfelt love and gratitude to each of you personally. Wishing you a brighter day...Cyndi