Sleep won't come tonight and the tears won't seem to leave. Not my favorite kind of nights but always, the kind of nights when I am able to remember what I know and how I came to know it.
I sat looking out my window tonight and was reminded of a night many years ago shortly after my divorce. It had been a long, emotional week and that particularly day had felt like yet another long week all wrapped up in its 24 hours. It was later in the evening when one of my children informed me that they had a poster due the next day and that seemed to be the straw that broke my back. Earlier in the week I had read an Ensign article and as I crossed the street to borrow materials for the assignment, the words of the article came to me. The sky was clear that night, much as it is tonight and heaven and its promise of peace caused my footsteps to be slow and laborious as I went to return home. The writer of the article must have experienced the same heaviness of heart that I was that night. After pouring out her heart to the Lord she made a simple, humble request. "Please Father, may I just come and spend one night with you? I know that if I could just rest one night with you, I could go on and face another day." The Lord's response of course was to explain "If I let you come...even for just one night, you would not want to return." And then came the words that I hold fast to and remember often " But I can come to you."
Tonight, the years blended together and as I sat looking out my window, those same thoughts echoed through my mind as my moments of sadness whirled like desperate firefilies within me...I knew what the answer would be as I asked the question "may I just come spend one night with you?" A gentle 'no' followed by a tender hush to my cries as peace returned to my heart. He had come to me just as He did then and many nights in years past and as He promises to continue to do when we seek His comfort. I am grateful for His spirit and the peace it brings to me on difficult nights when fatigue weakens my defenses.
I am also grateful for the many other ways He comes to me. Irrespective of the challenges that are a part of my treatment, life is constantly scattering reminders that He comes to me when things feel hard. Often, they are subtle and private. Other times, they come in the kindnesses and support of others. Always, I feel Him in the love of my grandchildren.
All around us are tragedies leaving people with their arms stretched upward begging for releif. I believe that tucked into the crashing waves of a Tsunami or the rumblings of an earthquake is our Heavenly Father giving evidence that He has come to us. It is in the increased humanity and compassion in both the young and old who reach out to help strangers who are struggling to 'cross the street' back to thier home that we find the evidence that He is there.
I am grateful that He comes to me at those times when I don't feel the strength to hold on to the truths I know. As I watch so many around me suffer with heartaches, disappointments and personal tragedies, I can only pray that they know that He will come to them as well. What a blessing and a promise of comfort that knowledge can bring.
Gratitude and love always...Cyndi.