My third round of chemo started out just like the others. I spent the morning sighing the heavy sighs that have accompanied the other treatments. They start when I wake up and feel that sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach...that "I don't want to do this but know that I will" kind of anxiety that accompanies most unpleasant experiences. I missed out on a week of feeling good due to a bout of the flu so it had only been a few days that my motivation accompanied by enthusiasm for life had surfaced. My sweet sister Linda had flown in from Colorado to stay with me and we had enjoyed those days together. Treatment went as usual. I am usually the last person finished and that last hour was spent laughing and remeneiscing with the sweet friends who sat with me. Jaycee had come and brought with her pink tulips. Apparently prior to coming to the hospital she told a friend of hers where she was going to spending the afternoon. Her friend left and returned with the sweetest card and bundle of pink tulips with the request that Jaycee deliver them to me. That is the kind of love and goodness that I experience on a daily basis from friends and more touching...from strangers. I love many types of charity and love that I am the recipient of. Truly, my perspective has shifted and my heart has been softened and turned to the goodness of life. I am grateful for that.
Chad brought his little family to be with me at the beginning of my treatments. His tenderness towards me comes packaged in a unique and different way than with my other children. We've traveled some rocky, painful roads together that at times have included paths that disconnected us. Through my journey with Chad, I have learned some of my greatest lives lessons. Primarily that you never give up. No matter how hard and long the way, you never give up...not on family. Chad has cemented in me the advice given to me on numerous occasions by my father that the best things we can do for our children is to love them and make sure that they know we love them. It is true that at times, that feels near impossible to do. I have found myself at those crossroads many times in life. Ultinately though my heart has always been led to the love that I know overcomes the obstacles of disappointment and loss. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for the areas of my heart that have been refined because I have a child who struggles.
Nicole and Hunter
Mandi also came during the first part of treatment and I was glad she was there. It's not as easy for her to be there as it is the others sometimes so I loved the fact that she could be there.
Linda was my guardian angel this go around. This was a hard treatment. I came home fatigued and ready to sleep and that is all I did for the first 3 days. This was intermingled with nausea turning to episodes of vomiting. On Monday morning, I found myself dehydrated and back at the hospital getting fluids along with my 'after chemo' shots. Linda was the loving face I feel asleep to while they hydrated me and Amy was there when I woke up. I know this is cliche' but honestly, as I looked at each of them through the haze of somewhat delirium, their faces glowed as if they were angels. To me, they are angels...one of so many who love and support me.
My treatments are always followed by meals from friends, texts messages of hope and love, and an increased sense of feeling close to my Father in Heaven. That is how I know that we are never left comfortless; that His promise to us of that is always fulfilled. No matter the need or frightening the moment, He is there. I feel His spirit with me and it calms me, reassures me, and increases my desire to be more like Him. That is my choicest blessing.
Gratitude and love always...Cyndi