Tears

"I close the door but you let yourself back in. I let you go but you find me again. You enter my heart uninvited and I recognize all the signs. You fill up my eyes, you roll down my cheeks, take over my heart piece by piece by piece but you are just passing through. You are gonna have to leave soon, you need to know his is not your home. Every now and then, you change your name. I’ve heard you called heartache, some call you sorrow or pain. You come like a breeze and settle on me; sometimes like a storm without a warning. You bring the tears and the tears release my pain. So in a way, I have you to thank. But now I must dry my eyes, wipe my cheeks, reclaim my heart piece by piece by piece by piece cos I need to breathe again, I have to let the sunlight in. God didn’t make my soul to be your home. No, this is not your home." Hilary Weekes

Today, I recognized that tears are one of my tools for self healing. I've been told that tears shed in grief actually have a different chemial makeup from tears shed in joy. I've taken this to mean that my body is unleashing chemicals that it needs to release when I shed tears. This is probably why after a good cry, I feel better. Throughout my recovery, there have been times when I have wept for what appeared to be no reason. Other times, my tears held meaning and often led to a resting ground of healing. Now, as I have a fuller vision of my life, I recall all the grief that I held in. I held it in for a variety of reasons; love, pain, shame, and a desire to spare others the sadness I was experiencing. Mostly, I held it in becuase I was afraid that if I started, the pain would consume me and open the bottomless well I believed it to be. So I simply didn't cry at all. At least not publicly. Cancer gave me permission to cry and allow myself to experience the cleansing act that only tears can bring. I recognize now the inherent curative power and am able to tolerate anothers tears without the discomfort of not knowing what to do or what to say. Ultimately, I hope that a connection between my deeper, hidden self can find congruence with my outer self and I will find peace.

Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks - Every Step

Now that the threat of cancer has subsided, I struggle with the physical changes my body has undergone. I wrestle with what I see in the mirror each morning and feel a longing to look like and feel like "me" again. Me before cancer altered my plans. Part of me is resisting the hill I must climb to find the peace I once felt. I have yet to experience a plan in my life that did not include a mountain promising undesired alterations. My body is tired and my heart aches. Ultimately though, I know that the path is leading me to my own personal 'beautiful heartache.' So, I rest when I need to, cry when the tears conquer my smile and know without a doubt that I will have what I need to accomplish the journey. The words of this song describe the perspective I hold about my experiences of the last year and the months leading up to my diagnosis of cancer.  It is the belief through which I am able to hang on to hope when the storms of life threaten to snatch it from my grasp.  It is the hope that I share with each of you my friends.  Not one of us moves through the stages of life without a plan that represents what we believe about ourselves or what we feel we have earned by the choices we have made. Within the wrappings of those plans, we place our hopes and our dreams; safe from harm and close to our hearts. I have learned that those wrappings are fragile. Trials, disappointments and heartache seem to tear through them leaving our hopes and dreams vulnerable to the elements of life that fall outside the realm of our control. I believe that it is through the alterations to our plans that a loving God leads us to the places in our hearts where our greatest wounds hide. From there, healing leads us to the plans He has for us. And that is where I know our greatest blessings lie.

Fight Like a Girl..

Earlier in the week I was driving behind a vehicle with the words "Fight like a girl" and a breast cancer symbol across the back window.  For some reason, the words have played in my mind all week.  I questioned what it actually meant to 'fight like a girl.'

For me to 'fight like a girl' means to fight with heart...not just any heart but the right heart.  A heart that is tender, hopeful, forgiving, accepting and most importantly, a heart that that loves unconditionally.  Far too often, as life has handed me challenges and disappointments my initial response has been to just fight; to come up swinging against the hurt and fear and to doubt any purpose that might be tucked into the experience as well as the people that came with it. In the end, I simply gave up and dismissed my hopes and dreams. I was in the middle of such a fight when cancer knocked at my door.  I had lost touch with the things that were unique to me as a 'girl.'  I lost touch with my own heart and its desire to nurture, to love, to give, and most importantly, to hope.  Cancer connected me back to my heart and as a result (and as my cute dad always says to me)..."my Cyndibug" is back. 

So often when life takes a turn down a path barren of  any road signs that would indicate fairness, we forget the very qualities that will lead us to understanding.  As 'girls,' we forget the power and strength in an approach from a gentle and nurturing heart. We forget the longings in our hearts to be loved, to be protected, and ultimately to love.  And we fight from the woundedness that drove us away from those, greatest strengths.  And the 'boys' in our lives forget the strengths that move them towards being the kindly warrior, the knight in shining armor, and the one whose hands in which we entrust the holding of our heart.

So now when I think of 'fighting like a girl' I think of the wishes and desires of my own heart which is the desire to react to life from the uniqueness of a 'girls' heart irrespective of the path I may be on.  To hold tight to hope, to appreciate the longings of my heart to love and be loved, and to approach life with the tenderness from which my own life originated. 

                      FIGHT LIKE A GIRL
Gratitude and love always...

Cyndi

I Was Here..

Cancer is an ominous companion who seldom makes its presence known until it has begun its destructive journey.  Following my last treatment, I was nervous, wondering if it would once again make its presence known in my life. It didn't take fear long to redirect my once hopeful thoughts. After entertaining it for a bit, I made a committment live life..whatever and however long that might be. I realized that if I was fearful, I would miss the experiences and opportunities that life was waiting to unfold before me. And I would become self-centered and miss opportunities to share the love and hope that I had gained during my journey. So I committed to live life. In the words of this song, I found expression for the feelings in my heart.

Final Radiation!

On July 14, 2011 I completed my radiation tx and recieved the good news that my cancer is in remission.  Following my examination with my Radiation Oncologist Dr. Leslye Engersol, I asked her if this meant I was cancer free. Her reply was that no, my cancer was in remission.  Being the persistent person I am, I then questioned at which point would I be considered 'cancer free' to which she replied.."when you are dead."  So, I will hold with gratitude the fact that after a long winter, my cancer is in remission.

I have thought so much about the valuable life lessons that I have learned as I have taken this unexpected and certainly uninvited journey.  As I reflect on the changes that have occurred in my heart, I can only express gratitude and humility for this experience.  In my upcoming posts (which I will be more faithful at making) I hope to share the many reflections of gratitude and hope that have been my companions this long, difficult winter season.

For now, I share that truly, summer has once again arrived and at its arrival has replaced vibrant colors of life and living with those once darkened days of winter.  No longer do I greet the day with trepidation and uncertainity.  No longer do I force time to fly within my mind to escape the darkness.  Instead, I wake with a heart full of gratitude and an increased awareness of the good in my life and the love that has sustained me through the many seasons of my life.  So I share with each of you my love for life, for love, for time, and for every day that I am given to make something more of my life and hopefully, bless the lives of others as I have been so richly bless.  And I share a heartful of gratitude for each of you my friends and family who have walked beside me each step of the way, giving me courage and strength when I lacked the ability to reach deep inside myself enough to find my own.

Radiation

Sweet Dylan

Mandy Shaw: 2:22 AM, July 28..Dylan passed away at 1:20 a.m.  We are heartbroken...

Early this morning, 1:20, our sweet Dylan went to heaven.  He is free from the tumor.  He is free from any pain or sadness.  It was not easy to let him go.  Our lives were blessed every single day because he was in them.  We will feel this void for the remainder of our livese here on the Earth.  I know, he will be here with us whenever possible.  I know that he will watch over his brothers, sisters, parents, and family.  I know it was hard for him to leave us.  His mission on the other side is only beginning.  We love him so much, and will anxiously look forward to the beautiful reunion I know awaits us.  Thank you, from our hearts and souls, for all your love, concern, & prayers.  

We will forever be Doin' it 4 Dylan!

The  Shaw Family

In March, Dylan was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor.  From that day forward, lives were changed and hearts were softened as Dylan found a place in their hearts.  Dylan had a special hold on my heart.  He was the epitome of selflessness and unconditional love.  He had a heart wiser than the 9 years that it guided his earthly journey.  In the few short months that marked his journey back to his Heavenly Father, he touched lives and gave service to others whose lives were being ravaged by cancer.  Mine was one of those lives and I am forever changed for my time with him.

Life is so fragile, so tender, and so sacred.  So is the love of a Father in Heaven who loves each of us individually and collectively.  I know that He was there in the quiet of the night as a young mother held her child as he passed from this life to the next.  He will be there to comfort her as her empty arms cause her heart to break.  He will be there in the quiet moments when timeless memories are shared and laughter returns to a young family longing to remember.  He will be there when the night feels too long and the promise of dawn too far to reach.  He will be there until the promise of eternity brings comfort and peace to longing hearts.

My heart aches for this young family however rejoices for sweet Dylan who needed only a brief moment of earthly experiences to secure his place with his Father in Heaven for eternity.  His example of service in the face of uncertainty and love in the face of death will forever change my heart.  

I have come to know that our Father in Heaven is in the quiet moments of our lives.  He keeps his promise when He says that He will never leave us comfortless.  He is there in the moments when our hearts are calm and He is there when our hearts are questioning and asking "why."  He is there for the first kiss on an infants head and for the last kiss...no matter how timely or untimely it may come.  As those who know and loved Dylan and the Shaw family shed anguished tears, He is there.

He is there with each of us as we experience those quiet moments when life has hands us a lesson we long to reject and run from.  I know that with all my heart.  He was there when my fears overwhelmed me, when my hope briefly dissapated into the darkness of the night, and when dawn eluded me for days at a time.  And He is here as my body heals, my heart opens, and life is renewed after a long, tenous winter.  Always....light follows the darkness, peace follows the storm, and after all is said and done..love remains.

Gratitude and love always....Cyndi