Tears

"I close the door but you let yourself back in. I let you go but you find me again. You enter my heart uninvited and I recognize all the signs. You fill up my eyes, you roll down my cheeks, take over my heart piece by piece by piece but you are just passing through. You are gonna have to leave soon, you need to know his is not your home. Every now and then, you change your name. I’ve heard you called heartache, some call you sorrow or pain. You come like a breeze and settle on me; sometimes like a storm without a warning. You bring the tears and the tears release my pain. So in a way, I have you to thank. But now I must dry my eyes, wipe my cheeks, reclaim my heart piece by piece by piece by piece cos I need to breathe again, I have to let the sunlight in. God didn’t make my soul to be your home. No, this is not your home." Hilary Weekes

Today, I recognized that tears are one of my tools for self healing. I've been told that tears shed in grief actually have a different chemial makeup from tears shed in joy. I've taken this to mean that my body is unleashing chemicals that it needs to release when I shed tears. This is probably why after a good cry, I feel better. Throughout my recovery, there have been times when I have wept for what appeared to be no reason. Other times, my tears held meaning and often led to a resting ground of healing. Now, as I have a fuller vision of my life, I recall all the grief that I held in. I held it in for a variety of reasons; love, pain, shame, and a desire to spare others the sadness I was experiencing. Mostly, I held it in becuase I was afraid that if I started, the pain would consume me and open the bottomless well I believed it to be. So I simply didn't cry at all. At least not publicly. Cancer gave me permission to cry and allow myself to experience the cleansing act that only tears can bring. I recognize now the inherent curative power and am able to tolerate anothers tears without the discomfort of not knowing what to do or what to say. Ultimately, I hope that a connection between my deeper, hidden self can find congruence with my outer self and I will find peace.