I'm Butting In

I know this is Mom's blog, and I've got my own to write my feelings on, but I decided tonight to give my two cent's worth about life.

Life kind of sucks these days. This is by far the hardest trial I've come in contact with. And apparently you don't get a pass from sadness just because someone you love has cancer. In fact, I feel we are more sensitive to what others are experiencing because of the hard things in our lives right now. Where did my bubble go? I want to go back.

Tonight I sat reading some of the posts from the beginning of this blog. As I was reading, a lot of feelings came back to me. The initial trepidation and then panic of mom's diagnosis. The sadness we all felt watching her have surgery right before Christmas. The relief and rush of emotion I felt when I first heard her voice when she came out of surgery. And the utter unfairness of it all, and the disbelief that we would all survive the next year intact. I remember saying to Angie right after New Year's, "I'm ready for 2011 to be over. I don't want to do this year." What a sad commentary on how terrified I was feeling. And I'm not even the one who has cancer!

I don't feel these last four months have been my most successful. I've been bitter and angry a lot. I've struggled with negative feelings and despair, and wondering regularly how we were going to get through this. I've found myself being ultra sensitive and getting my feelings hurt often. I've hid in my corner when I can't stand to see what's happening to my mom. Chemo has been rough. People always say how great it is that she only has two left. In my head I think, I don't know how she's going to do two more. It's so hard on her.

Tonight as I read back to December 15th of 2010, I realized something. We've already made it this far. And I did not believe we could. I knew we didn't have a choice, but I thought at least one of us would've thrown in the towel by now. But we haven't. And I mean when I say I am incredibly proud of every single one of my family members that have stepped up to the plate. I didn't think we needed to get tougher. I thought we were good. Thought we'd seen enough. But apparently there's more for us to learn. And we're freaking surviving. And we're even starting to have a good time.

As bad as chemo is, we laugh. We flirt with mom's nurse and irritate everyone around us. We make fun of mom when she dozes off and starts snoring. We give her crap for cheating at Words with Friends. We enjoy the awesome food at the hospital cafeteria. And then we all take turns trying to nurse her back to health, even when it's not doable. Sometimes we just sit around and cry with her.

I've always been told that this life is short compared to eternity. That the things that happen here will be made up for in eternity. I've struggled with that. It's really bothered me. I want everyone to be happy HERE, I don't want to wait for the other side. Here is all I know! But the last few weeks, it's started to settle in me. That the things we learn here are so important for our life after this one. That this time on earth is SO SMALL compared to what lies ahead of us. And that trials we endure here will only make us better in the end. I used to hate that line, but I'm starting to love it.

I'm thankful to a Heavenly Father who not only tests me, but has given me more to see me through it. I'm just sorry that I don't always see those blessings when things are hard. I'm thankful that He trusted me enough to give me these trials. That He knew that I would still find my way back to Him, and that I would swallow my pride and realize that only He knows what is best for me. And that I need to trust Him. And trust that He has made me strong enough to not only survive, but do it in a way that makes Him proud.

"Be strong and of good courage. You are truly royal spirit daughters of Almighty God. You are princesses, destined to become queens. Your own wondrous story has already begun. Your “once upon a time” is now."

So, right now, I'm proud of my mom. She is truly one of God's most special princesses. I'm sorry for what she endures, but proud that she has never faltered. Through it all, her testimony has remained solid. And at the end of the day, she's taught me that if I don't have that to fall back on, nothing else matters.

And we will survive the next few months. The sun is starting to shine (sometimes), and we've got a lot of things to look forward to for the rest of this year. And even as it gets harder over the next few weeks, the end is in sight. And mom is going to survive, and look super hot doing it.