At best, it has been a difficult week both physically and emotionally. Physically, I have been battling a staph infection in the wound left by the removal of my port. This was followed by a nasty bout with Bronchitis. Emotionally, I have been in every nook and every corner of a mother's heart as I have made hard but necessary choices on behalf of a child.
Sunday morning, Mitch came downstairs and realizing how ill I was, laid his head on my lap and cried the quiet tears of a child struggling to understand why life has to be so hard. I am grateful for the tender hearts of my children. Right now, it is their hearts that mine ache for. I miss being able to be there for them and feel so sad that their hearts have to ache for me.
When I was first diagnosed, the nurse told me to plan that the next year would be donated to the cancer. At the time, the fear and uncertainty of what my future held made a year seem like a small price to pay. In my logical mind, I still believe that. My heart is waning as I am realizing how long this year is becoming. Discouragement is nipping at my heels as I watch my children come to terms with their own heartaches realting to our journey through cancer. I long to feel like myself again...to be physically and emotionally present for my children and grandchildren. I try to visualize what it will feel like to feel whole again..both physically and emotionally without the daily reminders of what my body has been through the past 7 months. Ahhh... to have a bad hair day again seems like such a blessing!
As challenges and struggles continue to appear, I daily remind myself of what I know about life, about love, and about a Father in Heaven who knows the corners of my heart where my greatest fears and heartaches hide. As stated in 2 Nephi 4 verse 9..'I know in whom I have trusted." As I have wrestled with the hard things that have presented themselves in my life this week, those words have been the banner running through my mind and truly, I know in whom I have trusted.
It's hard to wrap our minds around the painful aspects of life that we are all called upon to endure. More times than not, we struggle to make sense when there are no answers in sight. We question, we doubt, we cry, and at times...wonder where God is as we do so. I have done all those things. I have bounced from hope to hopelessness and from faith to fear more times in a day than should be humanely possible. At the end of a good cry and what feels like a broken heart, I return to what I know and that is that 'I know in whom I have trusted.' And the lesson learned is that no matter how senseless something may feel, He knows the end from the beginning and He is control. My greatest blessings have emerged from my deepest tragedies. From that, I have learned to be patient as He weaves the path that ultimately brings me back to where my heart lives. It is there that I find the faith and hope to continue to endure all that He asks of me.
In the midst of turmoil and confusion, I am grateful for the strength of my children. Even when that strength dwindles as life brings challenges, I know that ultimately they will survive. And I know that I will survive. The path is strewn with difficult moments however in the end....I know in whom I have trusted...
Gratitude and love always...Cyndi