Tomorrow I will complete my last round of chemo. My last treatment left me physically and emotionally tired...dragging to make it through the responsibilities of each day. Tomorrow comes with mixed emotions. One one hand, I am grateful to be able to put this part of my cancer journey behind me..to regain strength and the spunk that makes me who I am. Now, my thoughts turn to living with the knowledge that I am susceptible to a recurrence in the years to come. That thought ignites some fear...the fear that occupied a place in my heart before cancer rescued me and restored hope into my life. Funny thought isn't it? That cancer restored a hope for my own personal life that had been lacking?
I have learned that irrespective of the hope that we have for the challenges others face, if we are lacking our own..life can feel empty and lonely. No matter how much good one may be surrounded by, without hope, the experiences lack the lustre that love and goodness should and can add to our earthly experience. I am grateful for the hope that has lit the way for me during these long winter months. Hope that came in the form of service and sacrifice of others. I can honestly say that without it, I would be in a different place than I am right now. I have been blessed in ways that I could never articulate and not once have I doubted the source from which those blessings came. It is so true that God uses each of his children to do His work on this earth. Any disappointment that I may have experienced has been compensated for by the charity of others...often times strangers. Never underestimate your ability to make a difference in the lives of others. Just knowing that someone "sees you" can make an unbearable day tolerable.
I am committed to living life again, to sharing the lessons that I have learned and to live life to the fullest and trust that someone wiser than I has a plan for me. I am hoping that plan is cancer free but if it is not, I have been blessed by the goodness of others to know that I can and will have the strength I need to face anything placed in my path. I don't want to live my life under the shadows of what might happen or what could happen. I am grateful to those who have moved past their own pain and allowed their lives to strengthen and support me as I have faced this difficult time. I hope that in doing so, your lives have been blessed as well. That has been my prayer. More than anything, I pray that you will know of the eternal gratitude I feel.
I haven't written much these last few weeks. I have been emotionally and physically spent with little left to offer at the end of the day. I am grateful that those days are coming to an end and hopeful that radiation will a smoother ride.
Gratitude and love always...Cyndi